Monthly Archives: July 2015

Why “The Empire Strikes Back” destroys the Star Wars Universe

Pop quiz time, what’s the best Star Wars movie (so far, don’t let us down Abrams!)? Did you say Empire? You probably said Empire.

If you said any movie in episodes I-III, please leave.

If you said any movie in episodes I-III, please leave.

Alright, so Empire Strikes Back shows that either the Empire, who is striking back, is either dumb or that there’s a major problem with the entire Star Wars mythology.

Let’s start, at one point Darth Vader is having a discussion with Admiral Ozzel via Skype. Darth Vader gets upset and chokes Ozzel, as you do.

Worst performance review ever.

Worst performance review ever.

In Episode VI, Darth Vader says something, which at the time seems silly.

The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.

In Star Wars, we see Darth Vader choke a guy with his mind, while in the same room. Mind you, this happens after we see him choke a guy with his hands, so it’s essentially just wireless choking. We also see him have a weak sword fight with an old man. And he also gets hit by his wingman. So, this line seems downright foolish when we see the Death Star blow up a planet. Of course, the Death Star is slow moving and easy to destroy.

But let’s get to another important scene in Empire, they have drones. They have drones, with cameras.

Viper Probe Droid

The Empire is scattering these droids across the galaxy in the hopes of finding proof of the rebel’s base. Once the droid sends video back to the Empire, the Empire sends a giant army of large slow tanks on four legs, for some reason.

walkers

You know a better idea? Just send a bunch more probes with cameras and have Darth Vader kill the rebels with his force powers over the camera. No casualties, no major loss of equipment. No lead time for the rebels to escape!

In Empire┬áStrikes Back we see Yoda lift a spaceship with the force. We see Darth Vader make a storm of large objects fly at Luke. And apparently this is all doable if the force user has a line of site, even a camera, at their target! The Empire has the most dangerous weapon in the galaxy. Any place there’s a camera, Darth (or the Emperor, who can also use the force) can kill people using the force. They can even move large objects around. The Empire insists on sending large armies to attack the rebels … just because?

The original Star Wars trilogy was already the story about the scrappy underdogs beating overwhelming odds. But Empire Strikes Back makes it worse. The rebels are essentially fighting an omnipotent being wherever there are cameras. How many times do the Emperor or Darth Vader have a video channel to a major event? Every one of those scenes should end with the rebels being choked or their ships crashing into each other. All I can conclude is that the Empire is idiotic. After all, they’d have to be to be defeated by an army of teddy bears.